I created my very first YouTube video for all of those who are sad at this moment. The words I said in the video are what I need to hear when I’m going through bad times too. I hope anyone who listen will feel a little better after watching this 🙂
Taylor Kitsch once said “You never walk out of the gym and say, “I shouldn’t have gone””. So true. Although it always took a little (or a lot of) pushing for myself to go to gym, I always left without any regret – and, in fact, I left with a feeling of accomplishment and a boost of confidence.
So, one lazy afternoon, I decided to go to gym. And, yes, since it is “one lazy afternoon”, the gym is pretty much empty except a few trainers walking around. Enjoying a rare tranquility, I jumped onto an elliptical machine nearby and started exercising. After a while, as usual, I started to get tired and wanted to stop. But, thankfully, my determination kicked in and pushed me to keep going on. I kept moving with that tiredness, which is not bad enough to totally stop but still intense enough to lose my poise. So, I kept going although I was dying to stop. My mind also started to look for a distraction screaming “This is boring! Not fun at all!” Then, at the corner of my eye I saw a woman at the other side of the room, exercising. Out of boredom and tiredness, my attention quickly shifted to her. From what I saw, she seemed to be in her thirties and she looked very poised, calm and steady on that machine – pretty much opposite of me. While struggling myself on the machine, I started to feel really envy of her and wonder when I would ever be as strong as people like her. It’s getting harder to breath, but I saw it’s only a couple of minutes away from my target timing – so, I tried to hold on while hearing my own panting and watching her kept going on that machine poised, clam and steady. I screamed in my head “how did she even do that!?!”
Finally, the time had come. I stepped down from the machine, stood there for a while to catch my breath. Then, out of the curiosity, I turned to look at the woman just to see how her face looked like. To my surprise, I found nobody in that corner of the room. All I saw was a huge mirror and a reflection of me staring right back.
For a second, I gazed at my reflection as if it’s someone I never knew.
In that moment, I realized I was imagining myself in the worst possible way; I was neglecting the effort I was already making and ignoring to appreciate myself; I was wanting to be that woman, while I was indeed that woman – who worked out in poise, calmness and steadiness by struggling really hard inside and fighting the pain with all the strength she had.
This made me think of – how much we can, sometimes, be unknown to ourselves, our strength, our ability and even, our potential; how we act as the worst critics to ourselves while we could look at other people in better light – and end up underestimating ourselves; how we forget to stop and look at where we are; who we really are; how much we can go further; and even more interestingly, which direction you want to go further.
So, if any one is reading this, I hope you would have some sparks in your mind to slow down your life and think about nothing else but how strong you really are, how far you can go further and where you want to go further. I believe you’ll find something truly interesting or even… magical.
A Kreature of Habit
I know… the title sounds like narcissism at its best. But, what I’m going to talk about is pretty much the opposite.
“Love yourself!” – I came across this phrase so many times in my life. Every time I read it or hear it, this same thought ran into my mind – “Loving oneself… Good! But, why do we have to remind about that again and again while we all love ourselves. In fact, we all love ourselves the most in the entire world”.
So, it had always been that way until that one remarkable moment, someone suddenly asked me “do you like yourself?” Much to my own surprise, I found that I couldn’t answer it promptly. Then, I went “… Yes, I…do”. While saying it, I could feel hesitation, confusion, indecisiveness all mixed up in my tone. My mind started to have a lot of new questions that I have never asked to myself before. Why is there hesitation? Shouldn’t it an easy answer? And, what? don’t I even like myself? She went on “If you like yourself, why aren’t you doing things that are good for you?” I got a light bulb in my head and quickly said “yeah…”
I realized that I was not just doing the things that are good for me and instead, even building the habits that are harmful to me like eating unhealthy food, having terrible sleeping cycles, feeding my brain with negative thoughts and pushing myself so hard towards certain directions, which I am not even sure if I really want to go. In a nutshell, I realized that I don’t like a lot of things about me.
Come to think of it, once we turn into adulthood and we’re on our own, we become parents (in a way) to discipline our inner child, who always need discipline. Based on our so-called “self-parenting style”, our life-styles were gradually built. Of course, there is this rare breed of people who were born with strong discipline within and always make the right choices for their own good (my genuine respect goes to them). But, the rest of us, well… we happen to grow our own fair share of self-harming habits in one or more aspects of our lives.
All those moments ~
- when we choose ice-cream over fresh fruit, deep fried over healthy dishes, bad movie in bed over reading a good book;
- when we decide to sleep in til we get overslept headache because we choose to believe a new day could bring any good things;
- when we look into mirror and think we don’t look good enough or smart enough; and think all those negative comments people ever say about us might be right – while we have a lot to be grateful about ourselves.
- when we are sad thinking about that one person who doesn’t love us – while we are sitting with people who want nothing but happiness for us;
- when we refuse to let go of certain things and people til our hands bleed – while we have a lot of other good things to embrace once our hands are freed;
All those moments… our self-parenting is failing. We are acting like neglecting parents who spoil the child to rotten by giving all the sweets they want, all game times they want; letting them stay up as late and sleep in as much as they want; letting them stay at home while they should be at school; making them believe they are ugly and dumb, making them stay and play with those who don’t like them; making them stick with that one friend who always ignore them. Imagine how that child would turn out to be. And, imagine how WE would turn out to be… over time.
So, clearly there is a very fine line between loving and spoiling oneself. And, sadly, some of us are spoiling ourselves under the name of pampering/loving ourselves.
I also questioned “then we don’t deserve those ice-cream times and once in a while sleep-in?” Of course, we do. But, at the same time, we need to remember that if we are not strict with ourselves, the world out there would do the job for us at one point and, trust me, it wouldn’t be a pleasant experience.
So, I would love to ask you the same question that I was asked. “Do you like/love yourself?” If your answer is loud and clear “YES!”, I am truly happy for you. But, if it is “No” or hesitate “Yes” (like mine), please join my “I love me” club as I strive my best each day to truly love and take care of myself. The reason? Because you deserve it. Just like you think your loved ones deserve so much love and care, you deserve the same thing too. Afterall, to be able to give love to others, you yourself need to be full of self-love within in the first place, right?
So, please… love yourself.
A Kreature of Habit
It all starts with the will to end.
On a day, when I realized how much I dislike my entire being.
On a day, I wept when I was asked to write down good things about me and had a really hard time coming up with even a single one.
On a day, I even foolishly wished this life will ends somehow, so that I can start it all over again.
It all ends with the will to start.
On a day, I realized that there is a way to change the life entirely and started it all over again… without ending it.
On a day, I believed in possibility of rebirthing myself by changing the entire me.
On a day, I decided to change the entire me by changing all those good and bad little things that I do, called “habits”.
This blog will be an open-diary of my journey and hopefully, a little support/encouragement to those who are going through the similar journey like I do.
So, if anyone is reading this… please remember,
It all starts with the will to end… your bad habits.
It all ends with the will to start… the good ones.
A Kreature of Habit